The Needle and the Damage Done.

Earlier tonight, I had begun the process of brainstorming through random ideas floating throughout my spacey head, and came to understand something that I had never really realized until tonight.

Some people show their respect and appreciation for someone by being there for them when they need someone, and saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time to cheer these people up. I don't think it's a secret that this is not one of my strong points. For whatever reason, I am not an emotional person when it comes to relating to others. I am a very logical and clear-headed thinker, especially when I am in a hard place.

I guess more than anything this is just a rant of frustration.

I sometimes wish I could be the one that everyone came to for advice, but it's just not something I am good at. I show my respect and appreciation for people by making them feel as comfortable as I possibly can when I am around them. This includes a variety of different actions on my part. What I'm really just tired of is people not reciprocating my appreciation.

The pinnacle of this realization is that I've come to find out that you can't force anyone to appreciate you. You may do whatever you're capable of doing to try and gain their appreciation, but until they choose to appreciate you. It may be that they already do appreciate you, and can't/won't show it, but it's just a bit upsetting when it seems like nothing you ever do for anyone is good enough, to the point where it pushes you over the edge and you can't take it anymore.

I once had severe anger issues, and other the years these have become less and less detrimental to my personal growth, but I still find myself in fits of frustration when I feel I'm being disrespected, unappreciated, unwanted, and like I'm the only one who is trying....

But,

What can you do?
What can I do?

Maybe I am too focused on myself, my goals, hopes, and dreams. Maybe my idea that everyone can set aside their issues and enjoy life along side me is far fetched and naive.

I don't know anymore.

There was a time in my life where I was sure where I'd be in five years, and those days are gone. I think it's mostly for the best; it has allowed my anger to take a back seat and allowed me to life my life one day at a time.

But I cannot let go...

Struggle

3:23am, Tuesday July 8th, 2008. I'm not really sure why I decided to write this, I guess I've just got a lot racing through my head, and feel the need to write it down. Things have changed. A lot of things have changed. I'm not going to post these things publicly, and if you wish to know what's going on, you can ask me personally and if I trust you, I will share.

Lately (meaning the last month or so...) I've been getting feelings that I should quit school and focus on my music and audio production while working some shit full-time job. I've not had the urge to work on any programming lately, and I think that's why I'm getting these feelings. I would like to finish school, so that I can at least have some sort of decent job when I finally hit the real world. I guess I've just seen a couple friends get out on their own and just feel like I need some independence and struggle in my life to help me understand what life is about and kind of bring me off my high horse that I ride as a person.

I've been writing music lately. Since the demise of my first two bands, I have been in a severe writer's block for music, but this is seeming to subside as of late, and I'm really happy with some of the stuff I've got in the works. The band has a couple shows lined up, which I am really looking forward to. We'll be finally playing an All-Ages show in Dubuque for the first time in a year. It will go over well, hopefully.

I feel like I've got nothing to look forward to this summer. Last year I took the trip to Omaha with Kaylena, but this year I've got nothing. I'm hopefully heading to Chicago for the Wicker Park Fest in a couple weeks to see Isis, but we'll see if those plans actually happen.

Despite having drank a medium coffee beverage tonight, the caffeine is not affecting me tonight. Lately I've not been sleeping much, and have been getting through the days fairly well, while trying to make the most of every hour I'm awake.

My days are happy, but some of my nights I have felt empty and alone, like I've got no true friends in life. It's a really unfortunate feeling, but there isn't much I can do about it right now.

For the first time in my life, it feels like I've taken a backseat to myself, and have been letting my heart do the driving. I haven't thought a lot of things out very well and it's an interesting change of pace, watching the pieces fall into place without intervening with what my head is thinking.

To sum up this post... I am tired, I am in that tiredly-depressed state. I'm hoping it will all be better tomorrow, like it has been the past.

Lifeline

I'm here. But I'm not. Lately I've been feeling like I don't know who I am, who I'm around, where I'm at. I feel disconnected and I sometimes forget who I am.

It gets scary sometimes...

School's out, and I'm depressed... such is life...

When I die...

Can somebody please make sure that the song "Brooks Was Here" by Thomas Newman is played at my funeral... because it's pretty much the greatest musical achievement in the history of life...

Listen to it here.


That is all

-Cody

The Things We Fear Most

Today was an ordinary day. School, work, eventually I will sleep.

I've had something on my mind since about 5:15 today.

While walking out to my car to go to work, I noticed a neighbor of mine, Cameron, enjoying the great whether. You see, Cameron is not like most of us. He has muscular dystrophy which has crippled him to the extent that he can't do much except talk and push the joystick to his electric wheelchair. Cameron and I were once great friends. Despite his obvious limitations, there were times when he and I would play video games together, or get together on Monday nights to watch wrestling. As we grew up, we drifted apart. I was a teenager, I was living the typical teenage life. Cameron and I had lost contact and eventually Cameron had to leave school because of his health.

Today was different, however. I saw Cameron cruising up the street, enjoying the weather, and I left my house just in time to see him. He drove right past me, not noticing me until I said "Hey Cameron." He turned his wheelchair around and returned the greeting. Cameron and I had gone probably the better half of five years without speaking. This is surprising, considering we live less than 100 feet from each other. But when one person is wheelchair bound and not able to be outside year round, and the other person is living the life, going to college, working... there isn't much time in between in which moments like this take place.

So I stood there and chatted with him. I noticed how frail he had become, though he seemed to be in pretty good spirits. I don't talk to him about his health, because if I were him, that'd be the last thing I'd want to talk about. After I told him about my life and how things were going, we parted ways... Sounds like a typical encounter between two reunited friends, but this was different.

On my drive to work, I just kept thinking about the encounter. I was overwhelmed with a feeling I can't describe. Take guilt, for not remaining friend with Cameron throughout our teen years, add some depression, and maybe even some happiness and mix it with every emotion you've ever felt... That's how I felt.

I can say that I am very glad that Cameron is alive. I am depressed because Cameron is the strongest person I've ever met, and deserved better. Throughout the years that he and I were friends, I never once heard him complain about his health. NOT ONCE. You want to meet someone who has never taken life for granted? If there exists such a person, Cameron is that person.

I guess the whole point of this blog is to address a few things. We all take life for granted. Every single one of us. We go, day by day, we have friends, we can walk, we can laugh, we can learn, we can drink ourselves into oblivion, we can smoke ourselves to death. People go out and risk their lives drinking and driving, having unprotected sex, committing suicide. These are careless acts. For every person who ends up paralyzed from drinking and driving, there is someone who can't help that they're paralyzed. For every person who gets AIDS from unprotected sex, there's someone out there who's dying of cancer, and there is nothing they could've done to stop it. For everyone who commits suicide, there is someone in a wheelchair watching their life fade away. For everyone who carelessly lives their life, there are those people out there who wish they even had that chance...

Some people don't have it as good as we do, and we just take it all for granted. People complain because they are fat, or ugly, or have nappy hair or a big nose. Yeah, well...what if you couldn't fucking walk? Walking is a basic task that not everyone has the privilege of doing. Now, I'm no exception. I complain about things too. I don't like being overweight, or having stupid looking hair. I don't like that I don't have all the money in the world, or that I'm paying for my own schooling on said lack of funds. People live life like there's no tomorrow, and I appreciate that. Maybe we'd be better off knowing that there most likely WILL be a tomorrow for us, and not for everyone. What if you knew you only had so much time left on this earth? I'd bet you'd have done things a whole lot differently...

I know I would have...

New Fish

Argh. It's amazing how one can have a great day and end on such a sour note. I'd rather not go into details, but I'm depressed right now. I think I may be more angry than depressed, but it's all kind of slopped together right now. Angry, Frustration, Confusion, Depression. I'm listening to some more calming music trying to settle down and get over it, but I think I really just need to sleep it off.

Ah well, I suppose reflecting on what happened is irrelevant, as tomorrow is a brand new day.

Fork.

The Finale

So yeah. Today was a pretty productive day. After hanging out with Kaylena and Nick last night, I stayed over at Kaylena's house and woke up and made myself a decent breakfast for the first time in awhile. I had two egg and cheese English muffin sandwiches...Solid. After this, we went to Kaylena's school to grab her art project, and came home. I hung out for a little bit, then I had to head home to get ready to come back to school.

So I get my shit together, and head back to Platteville, for the last time this school year. I get to my room and study for my final at 3pm. I leave, take the final, take some books back, get some food, and head off to band practice.

At practice, it was very productive. We're finally solidifying things for both the upcoming gigs and the recording of the album next month. For the win...

After practice, I came back, studied my ass off for math, but not before eating some McDonald's which put my into a minor depression. Bullshit... I'm good now, I think I'm ready for this Trigonometry test at 8am. I am tired, and ready. In approximately 11 hours (as of 11pm 5/16/07) I will have completed my first year of college.

Ah, the things I've learned this year. I've grown up quite a bit. If I weren't as tired as I am, I'd get into it now...but I'll leave that for another blog...

-Cody

What a day...

Today started like any other Monday. I stayed at home last night, rather than staying in the dorms, because I didn't have any class until 1pm. So I woke up at around 11:30am and did the usual preparation so I could face the day. I left my house and began my trek to Platteville at around 12pm. I was rockin' out to some Neil Young and looking forward to dominating on my English exam. I arrive in Platteville and get a great parking spot. I unhook my iPod to take inside, and I put it into the mp3 player pouch on my laptop bag. I proceed to my room, where I look at the mess Loney left, and walk over to the window to turn the fan on. I set my laptop bag on my desk and realize that my iPod is now missing. Now, normally this sort of situation would've had me yelling, screaming, and throwing things, but since I was alone, none of those things would've done me any good. So I think to myself "how could this iPod have fallen out without me noticing?" I look all over my room, but to no avail. So, I pack up my stuff for class and retrace my steps looking for a lost iPod laying in the grass. I fail to find it. I run back to my room, just to double check, and it's still no where to be found. I trace my steps AGAIN back to my car, check under my car, under my seats, etc and still cannot find it.

By this point, I figure that if I haven't found it, it's gone. A wave of depression hits me, much like the depression I felt when mine and Bill's cars were burglarized back in August. I handled it much better than I thought I would. I had been on a money spending streak for the past month (mainly for my recording studio: zlobstudios...coming soon), and now I had to add another iPod to my shopping list. All this after just upgrading to the 80GB iPod last month.

So, I chalk up the iPod as another expense, and blame myself for not making sure the iPod was secure enough in my pouch. I proceed to my English final, which I finish in about 15 minutes, and then walk to the student center to eat some food. I eat some good Chinese food while enjoying "The Colbert Report." My mind is finally off of the iPod and I begin moving on with life... after all, this isn't the first time I've lost something.

I come back to my room, and begin bitching to everyone I know that I lost my iPod. I try to get over it, but I work hard for my money, and don't like losing my shit. Everyone tells me it's OK, but really...it's not.

Around 5pm, I'm nearly over the iPod situation, and begin studying for my next final. I take a break from studying and lean back in my chair to take a deep breath. When leaning forward again, I catch a glimpse of something underneath the bed. I take a second look, and realize what I'm looking at. Stunned, I just stare at it, rather than trying to grab it. After about 10 seconds, I come to my senses and reach under, and grab what I've been looking for all afternoon, my treasured iPod, loaded with 30GB of music, all safe and sound in my room. A feeling of relief comes over me, and my day brightens again...