The Needle and the Damage Done.

Earlier tonight, I had begun the process of brainstorming through random ideas floating throughout my spacey head, and came to understand something that I had never really realized until tonight.

Some people show their respect and appreciation for someone by being there for them when they need someone, and saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time to cheer these people up. I don't think it's a secret that this is not one of my strong points. For whatever reason, I am not an emotional person when it comes to relating to others. I am a very logical and clear-headed thinker, especially when I am in a hard place.

I guess more than anything this is just a rant of frustration.

I sometimes wish I could be the one that everyone came to for advice, but it's just not something I am good at. I show my respect and appreciation for people by making them feel as comfortable as I possibly can when I am around them. This includes a variety of different actions on my part. What I'm really just tired of is people not reciprocating my appreciation.

The pinnacle of this realization is that I've come to find out that you can't force anyone to appreciate you. You may do whatever you're capable of doing to try and gain their appreciation, but until they choose to appreciate you. It may be that they already do appreciate you, and can't/won't show it, but it's just a bit upsetting when it seems like nothing you ever do for anyone is good enough, to the point where it pushes you over the edge and you can't take it anymore.

I once had severe anger issues, and other the years these have become less and less detrimental to my personal growth, but I still find myself in fits of frustration when I feel I'm being disrespected, unappreciated, unwanted, and like I'm the only one who is trying....

But,

What can you do?
What can I do?

Maybe I am too focused on myself, my goals, hopes, and dreams. Maybe my idea that everyone can set aside their issues and enjoy life along side me is far fetched and naive.

I don't know anymore.

There was a time in my life where I was sure where I'd be in five years, and those days are gone. I think it's mostly for the best; it has allowed my anger to take a back seat and allowed me to life my life one day at a time.

But I cannot let go...

American Beauty

...and then life throws me for another loop...

Life is funny that way. One day things are great... the next changes everything. With every day, I find myself disconnecting from just about everyone and everything I know. It's not so much depression as it is a desire to just stand alone, be able to manage life effectively with minimal chance of getting tangled up with emotions. If you'd had the year that I've had, you'd know by now that your emotions will take hold of your throat and do its best to suffocate you, leaving you with nothing. This may be the darker side of emotion, but it's the side I know all too well...

This year, I've had problems with caring too much, and problems with not caring enough. I guess I view the balance of these is focusing all of my care on myself. This causes even more problems for those who don't think I care enough.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, really. This is unlike anything I've felt before, really. Normally what I feel at these points in life is just an overpowering depression, but this time it just feels empty. Like there is nothing. Not even the feeling of despair. Just... existence.

I've made mistakes, plenty of them this year. I'm still sorting everything out, I think. It's been a long year, that's for sure. Despite it all, I'm still just looking forward to May 2010 (see: Graduation), above all else. Maybe that's my biggest problem... I put too much emphasis on myself, and ensuring that I'm ok, that I forget about the people and things that really do matter.

I simply just don't know, anymore. I don't know anything. It seems that my life is just... a book. I've gone through a number of chapters, and it's culminated to this...

What can I do?

I really wish that music could be described in words. The song 'American Beauty' by Thomas Newman just seems to make everything in life so clear... so easily understood... so calm...

blah.

And so it begins...again...

So yeah. School started, again. It's school, to say the least. Basically my days consist of waking up at 6:45am, getting to school by 8am, sitting around in the student center until 10am and then having class until 3. From there, I do homework when I get home and go in to work most days at 5:30pm. Needless to say, I'm not really enjoying it. The weeks have been going by fast, which is good, I suppose, but I have little to no free time anymore. I'm always kind of tired and just want it to be over with. The band's progress has slowed to a crawl because of the lack of free time and that's crappy.

In unrelated news, Since my last post, the band has finally issued our first full-length album, entitled "Jailbreak." The entire album is available for download/streaming on our last.fm page (http://www.last.fm/music/Bull+Dyke+Rodeo) - if you're interested in picking up an official copy, please get ahold of me (via Facebook, email(cjsand@gmail.com), or AIM(marpstar)). All album purchases come with free stickers and other cool (read:none) shit.

So let's talk about school. This year I am taking:
1) Principles of Sociology
2) Elementary German
3) Calculus I
4) Programming in Visual Basic
5) Object Oriented Programming & Data Structures II

Basically that means:
1) Math takes up most of my time
2) Programming is a close second, but since I'm fairly driven to program, I tend to work on programs right away and get them finished, leaving me with a week of no programming.
3) I'm trying to learn a second language and it's not fun.
4) Sociology class probably won't benefit me a whole lot in my given field of study.

I can't wait until I'm done with school. I could've taken the easy route and just gotten some certificate from NICC and this would be my last semester, but I'm somewhat empowered by the fact that I'm attending a university, rather than a community college. That and I've never met someone from NICC's computer program that actually knew anything, but who knows what I could have done.

Kaylena and I are thinking about moving to Omaha once we're done with school. We visited Omaha over the summer and we totally loved the city. Plus it'd be a nice change of pace for both of us. Most people who graduate in this area stay in this area. I don't want to be one of those people who's stuck in Dubuque the rest of my life. I want to explore. I want to move around. I want to experience living in a city where there is actually something to do. I fell in love with Omaha's 'Old Market' - basically the downtown area filled with small shops and restaurants. The atmosphere was just there, and it was indescribable. Plus Kaylena loves the zoo, and the zoo is massive and is "awesome."

But, I suppose we'll see in about...4 years how things pan out. I, personally, can't wait.

New Fish

Argh. It's amazing how one can have a great day and end on such a sour note. I'd rather not go into details, but I'm depressed right now. I think I may be more angry than depressed, but it's all kind of slopped together right now. Angry, Frustration, Confusion, Depression. I'm listening to some more calming music trying to settle down and get over it, but I think I really just need to sleep it off.

Ah well, I suppose reflecting on what happened is irrelevant, as tomorrow is a brand new day.

Fork.

Some good advice.

I have a bad ear infection right now. It's horrible. I thought that I would take the time I have right now (I'm waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in) to share some great advice I have learned, both in and out of reality.

1. Do not go swimming without earplugs.
2. Don't ever let anyone sign your checks (thanks Heavyweights).
3. Don't put twinkies on your pizza (thanks again, Heavyweights).

Fuck...I got nothing. I really just wanted a reason to post those Heavyweights quotes.

Please wish me luck with my illness.

-Cody

bulldyke tour '07

It's Monday. I am sore. I am tired. Overall, I feel like complete shit.

Saturday, I woke up at around 2:30 and lazed out for 2 hours until we had to meet at Pirhana's house before trekking up to La Crosse, WI to play. I had the van with me, so we loaded that bitch up, and went on our merry way. The drive isn't bad, Kurt and Werner accompanied me in the van, so general conversation made the trip seem shorter. We get to La Crosse, start loading in. I'm somewhat disappointed as there's only ~20 people in the whole bar. I get over it quickly. The band playing before us, Orwell, takes the stage. They're not horrible, but not anything I'd listen to in my free time. After Orwell finishes, they pack up, and all but one of their members are kicked out of the bar for being underage. Of course, 12/16 of the remaining people leave the bar. We take the stage and play for 4 people: two fat guys, one of the fat guys' girlfriend, and one of the guitarists from Orwell. The real story however is much more interesting. Pirhana, in his infinite wisdom, decides that it would be a GREAT idea to drink heavily before the show. Needless to say, he gets totally wasted and can barely function, let alone play his instrument. Pirhana ends up playing like shit, being a total jackass to EVERYONE, and to top it all off, gets punched in the face by Werner. All in all, the night was fun, we sold a tshirt, met some good people, and we rocked some covers with our newest fans.

Sunday, I woke up, and felt pretty decent despite coming home at 5am, unloading all of our shit, and still staying up until 6:30am before going to bed. I wake up at about...2pm and realize that me unloading the van was worthless because I could've used it again. I call my dad, get the van, and load everything myself. Go to the show, unload, the usual BS. Some guy, Orthus, and Reptar play. In the mean time, I go to A&W and eat a double cheeseburger, while feeling a heart attack coming. I go back, and Black Cobra is getting ready to take the stage...

HOLY SHIT.

Black Cobra totally destroys all. And when I say destroy, I mean they fuckin' ANNIHILATED. I buy a shirt and CD, and we take the stage. I knew that this show could not possibly go as bad as Saturday night's show. We open up with "Scumbags Meet the Judge on Monday Morning" -- I must remind everyone that we were playing for quite a few people, compared to the usual Busted Lift shows -- and we're fuckin' ON. The song goes great, and we're just beating bitches up. State of the Art Bang Bang is next, which also went very well. We play the rest of our set and it, for me at least, was probably the best show we've ever played. We played some Danzig with none other than Mr. Kolker, the creepy soundguy, and Kiss' "Cold Gin" and Dangerous Toys' "Teas'n Pleas'n." The crowd, of course, eats our covers up and it's a great time had by all.

Then I wake up today, and I feel like total dogshit. I'm better now, but overall, it was fuckin' worth it.

I went out today and dropped another $100+ on studio gear (mainly cables, mic clips, and other miscellaneous debris). The studio, I believe, is set to go. We're planning on beginning the recording process this Thursday, so hopefully Werner doesn't book us any more shows until it's done, so you fine folks can all buy the album at our next show.

I'm fuckin' done...
-Cody

The Finale

So yeah. Today was a pretty productive day. After hanging out with Kaylena and Nick last night, I stayed over at Kaylena's house and woke up and made myself a decent breakfast for the first time in awhile. I had two egg and cheese English muffin sandwiches...Solid. After this, we went to Kaylena's school to grab her art project, and came home. I hung out for a little bit, then I had to head home to get ready to come back to school.

So I get my shit together, and head back to Platteville, for the last time this school year. I get to my room and study for my final at 3pm. I leave, take the final, take some books back, get some food, and head off to band practice.

At practice, it was very productive. We're finally solidifying things for both the upcoming gigs and the recording of the album next month. For the win...

After practice, I came back, studied my ass off for math, but not before eating some McDonald's which put my into a minor depression. Bullshit... I'm good now, I think I'm ready for this Trigonometry test at 8am. I am tired, and ready. In approximately 11 hours (as of 11pm 5/16/07) I will have completed my first year of college.

Ah, the things I've learned this year. I've grown up quite a bit. If I weren't as tired as I am, I'd get into it now...but I'll leave that for another blog...

-Cody