The Needle and the Damage Done.

Earlier tonight, I had begun the process of brainstorming through random ideas floating throughout my spacey head, and came to understand something that I had never really realized until tonight.

Some people show their respect and appreciation for someone by being there for them when they need someone, and saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time to cheer these people up. I don't think it's a secret that this is not one of my strong points. For whatever reason, I am not an emotional person when it comes to relating to others. I am a very logical and clear-headed thinker, especially when I am in a hard place.

I guess more than anything this is just a rant of frustration.

I sometimes wish I could be the one that everyone came to for advice, but it's just not something I am good at. I show my respect and appreciation for people by making them feel as comfortable as I possibly can when I am around them. This includes a variety of different actions on my part. What I'm really just tired of is people not reciprocating my appreciation.

The pinnacle of this realization is that I've come to find out that you can't force anyone to appreciate you. You may do whatever you're capable of doing to try and gain their appreciation, but until they choose to appreciate you. It may be that they already do appreciate you, and can't/won't show it, but it's just a bit upsetting when it seems like nothing you ever do for anyone is good enough, to the point where it pushes you over the edge and you can't take it anymore.

I once had severe anger issues, and other the years these have become less and less detrimental to my personal growth, but I still find myself in fits of frustration when I feel I'm being disrespected, unappreciated, unwanted, and like I'm the only one who is trying....

But,

What can you do?
What can I do?

Maybe I am too focused on myself, my goals, hopes, and dreams. Maybe my idea that everyone can set aside their issues and enjoy life along side me is far fetched and naive.

I don't know anymore.

There was a time in my life where I was sure where I'd be in five years, and those days are gone. I think it's mostly for the best; it has allowed my anger to take a back seat and allowed me to life my life one day at a time.

But I cannot let go...