The Needle and the Damage Done.

Earlier tonight, I had begun the process of brainstorming through random ideas floating throughout my spacey head, and came to understand something that I had never really realized until tonight.

Some people show their respect and appreciation for someone by being there for them when they need someone, and saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time to cheer these people up. I don't think it's a secret that this is not one of my strong points. For whatever reason, I am not an emotional person when it comes to relating to others. I am a very logical and clear-headed thinker, especially when I am in a hard place.

I guess more than anything this is just a rant of frustration.

I sometimes wish I could be the one that everyone came to for advice, but it's just not something I am good at. I show my respect and appreciation for people by making them feel as comfortable as I possibly can when I am around them. This includes a variety of different actions on my part. What I'm really just tired of is people not reciprocating my appreciation.

The pinnacle of this realization is that I've come to find out that you can't force anyone to appreciate you. You may do whatever you're capable of doing to try and gain their appreciation, but until they choose to appreciate you. It may be that they already do appreciate you, and can't/won't show it, but it's just a bit upsetting when it seems like nothing you ever do for anyone is good enough, to the point where it pushes you over the edge and you can't take it anymore.

I once had severe anger issues, and other the years these have become less and less detrimental to my personal growth, but I still find myself in fits of frustration when I feel I'm being disrespected, unappreciated, unwanted, and like I'm the only one who is trying....

But,

What can you do?
What can I do?

Maybe I am too focused on myself, my goals, hopes, and dreams. Maybe my idea that everyone can set aside their issues and enjoy life along side me is far fetched and naive.

I don't know anymore.

There was a time in my life where I was sure where I'd be in five years, and those days are gone. I think it's mostly for the best; it has allowed my anger to take a back seat and allowed me to life my life one day at a time.

But I cannot let go...

The Things We Fear Most

Today was an ordinary day. School, work, eventually I will sleep.

I've had something on my mind since about 5:15 today.

While walking out to my car to go to work, I noticed a neighbor of mine, Cameron, enjoying the great whether. You see, Cameron is not like most of us. He has muscular dystrophy which has crippled him to the extent that he can't do much except talk and push the joystick to his electric wheelchair. Cameron and I were once great friends. Despite his obvious limitations, there were times when he and I would play video games together, or get together on Monday nights to watch wrestling. As we grew up, we drifted apart. I was a teenager, I was living the typical teenage life. Cameron and I had lost contact and eventually Cameron had to leave school because of his health.

Today was different, however. I saw Cameron cruising up the street, enjoying the weather, and I left my house just in time to see him. He drove right past me, not noticing me until I said "Hey Cameron." He turned his wheelchair around and returned the greeting. Cameron and I had gone probably the better half of five years without speaking. This is surprising, considering we live less than 100 feet from each other. But when one person is wheelchair bound and not able to be outside year round, and the other person is living the life, going to college, working... there isn't much time in between in which moments like this take place.

So I stood there and chatted with him. I noticed how frail he had become, though he seemed to be in pretty good spirits. I don't talk to him about his health, because if I were him, that'd be the last thing I'd want to talk about. After I told him about my life and how things were going, we parted ways... Sounds like a typical encounter between two reunited friends, but this was different.

On my drive to work, I just kept thinking about the encounter. I was overwhelmed with a feeling I can't describe. Take guilt, for not remaining friend with Cameron throughout our teen years, add some depression, and maybe even some happiness and mix it with every emotion you've ever felt... That's how I felt.

I can say that I am very glad that Cameron is alive. I am depressed because Cameron is the strongest person I've ever met, and deserved better. Throughout the years that he and I were friends, I never once heard him complain about his health. NOT ONCE. You want to meet someone who has never taken life for granted? If there exists such a person, Cameron is that person.

I guess the whole point of this blog is to address a few things. We all take life for granted. Every single one of us. We go, day by day, we have friends, we can walk, we can laugh, we can learn, we can drink ourselves into oblivion, we can smoke ourselves to death. People go out and risk their lives drinking and driving, having unprotected sex, committing suicide. These are careless acts. For every person who ends up paralyzed from drinking and driving, there is someone who can't help that they're paralyzed. For every person who gets AIDS from unprotected sex, there's someone out there who's dying of cancer, and there is nothing they could've done to stop it. For everyone who commits suicide, there is someone in a wheelchair watching their life fade away. For everyone who carelessly lives their life, there are those people out there who wish they even had that chance...

Some people don't have it as good as we do, and we just take it all for granted. People complain because they are fat, or ugly, or have nappy hair or a big nose. Yeah, well...what if you couldn't fucking walk? Walking is a basic task that not everyone has the privilege of doing. Now, I'm no exception. I complain about things too. I don't like being overweight, or having stupid looking hair. I don't like that I don't have all the money in the world, or that I'm paying for my own schooling on said lack of funds. People live life like there's no tomorrow, and I appreciate that. Maybe we'd be better off knowing that there most likely WILL be a tomorrow for us, and not for everyone. What if you knew you only had so much time left on this earth? I'd bet you'd have done things a whole lot differently...

I know I would have...

New Fish

Argh. It's amazing how one can have a great day and end on such a sour note. I'd rather not go into details, but I'm depressed right now. I think I may be more angry than depressed, but it's all kind of slopped together right now. Angry, Frustration, Confusion, Depression. I'm listening to some more calming music trying to settle down and get over it, but I think I really just need to sleep it off.

Ah well, I suppose reflecting on what happened is irrelevant, as tomorrow is a brand new day.

Fork.

Vacation

Yeah. So I just got back from my vacation two days ago, and I'd like to recap what happened throughout my stay in Omaha.

Me and Kaylena depart Dubuque at about 10:00am on Tuesday 7/24. We stop at a gas station to get some snacks and ice and we hit the road. Five minutes later, I realize I forgot the ice, so we decide to stop at a gas station later in the day. The ride from Dubuque to Interstate 80 was pretty smooth. We ended up listening to some Dane Cook standup while driving, and eventually throw in Radiohead's 'The Bends,' which we listen to 4 times before the trip is over. We try to find a nice Chinese restaurant to eat at, but my GPS is fuckin' up, and we basically just get lost in Des Moines. So, we decide "fuck Des Moines" and we get back on the highway.

We eventually stop in West Des Moines to get gas, and spot a TGIFriday's across the road. We decide to eat there. Me and Kaylena both order a strawberry lemonade slushy, and surprisingly the slushies were free-refill. That's a fuckin' win. I order a mushroom & swiss burger, which is pretty much my new favorite burger. Kaylena orders some chicken dish, alfredo, something, I don't remember really. She said it was good. My burger was good, our waitress was great. It was a great start to our trip.

We finally arrive at our hotel, the Settle Inn in Council Bluffs, IA. First thing I notice is that our hotel is in the business district of Council Bluffs. Red Lobster, Golden Corral, Appleby's, and other great restaurants within walking distance...that's a score... We settle in at the hotel, watch some TV until dinner time.

We decide to eat at Red Lobster for dinner. I had the Ultimate Feast and Kaylena had Snow Crab. The Food was spectacular, as Red Lobster always is, and again, the service was great. I was getting pissed at our great service because it cost me a lot of money in tips, but it was worth it. After dinner, we head to the pool area and enjoy some hot tub and pool action. We go upstairs and watch TV until going to sleep.

We awake the next day, the Zoo day. We get ready, and head to the Zoo. I add another state to my "states I've visited" list as we cross into Nebraska. The Zoo is right next to the border, and was easy to find. We enter the Zoo and spend a couple hours enjoying the animals, get some nachos to eat, and finally go and see Deep Sea 3D at the IMAX theater within the Zoo. Great time had by both Kaylena and I.

After the Zoo, we head back to the hotel and eat turkey sandwhiches to hold us off until dinner. We hit the pool again and relax for awhile. We come back to the room and I use my laptop to find other cool shit to do in Omaha. I find the "Old Market" downtown area, which seems cool, so we decide to go.

At the Old Market, there were tons of shops, restaurants with patio seating. It's everything I'd want in a city, for real. We walk around, visit the hippy shop, where Kaylena buys a tanktop, and we visit Drastic Plastic, a record store which had some cool shit, such as Sunn and Boris shirts, and Homer's, a record store where I found gold in some Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Sigur Ros, and Zozobra CDs.

After shopping, we head to Famous Dave's BBQ in Old Market, where Kaylena and I attempt to devour the "feast for two." Needless to say, we failed, but the food was good. My stomach seemed to disagree, as I got a minor stomach ache, but got over it after taking some Tums.

We hit the pool, again, and just hang out for the rest of the night. We watched some of "Final Destination 3" which was horrible, and just reflected on how good our vacation was going. Little did I know, at the time, I was jinxing myself.

On Thursday, we pack our shit after enjoying a good continental breakfast at the hotel, and leave. We're about 15 minutes out of Council Bluffs when the unthinkable happens...

I'm cruising down the interstate at a modest 74MPH (normally I'd be going about 80, considering it's a 70MPH zone.) I'm following a semi in front of me, and I glance into my rear view mirror. Sure enough, there is a state patrol car behind me. I slow down a bit, but just as my foot rests on the break pedal, the cops lights begin to flash. Speechless, I just look over to Kaylena and said "uhh...I think we're being pulled over..."

The cop pulls us over and walks up to the car. He asks me for license, registration, and proof of insurance. I hand over the license and registration, but do not have proof of insurance. I'm not driving my car, but my mother's, and there is no proof of insurance to be found. The cop, surprisingly, did not seem to mind that I didn't. He asks me to get out of the car and walk back, and take a seat in the passenger seat of his patrol car. He questions Kaylena and returns to his car to question me. I get interrogated - "Where are you coming from? Where are you going? Do you have any drugs in the car? Any open alcohol containers? Any Marijuana? Meth? Cocaine? Heroin? Weapons? Large sums of cash?"

After answering his questions, he tells me that he pulled me over because I was speeding (74 in a 70, mind you) and because my mom's license plate holder was illegal (no idea...). He lets me off with a warning and I return to my car. Me and Kaylena get back on the road and head home. I can't help but laugh over the irony of the entire situation. A perfect vacation followed by a run-in with a state trooper. Would only happen to me...

I returned to work (and reality) on Friday...


The album is almost done. Only minor tweaking and artwork remain. We're setting up a record-release show sometime in August hopefully. I'll keep you posted.

What a day...

Today started like any other Monday. I stayed at home last night, rather than staying in the dorms, because I didn't have any class until 1pm. So I woke up at around 11:30am and did the usual preparation so I could face the day. I left my house and began my trek to Platteville at around 12pm. I was rockin' out to some Neil Young and looking forward to dominating on my English exam. I arrive in Platteville and get a great parking spot. I unhook my iPod to take inside, and I put it into the mp3 player pouch on my laptop bag. I proceed to my room, where I look at the mess Loney left, and walk over to the window to turn the fan on. I set my laptop bag on my desk and realize that my iPod is now missing. Now, normally this sort of situation would've had me yelling, screaming, and throwing things, but since I was alone, none of those things would've done me any good. So I think to myself "how could this iPod have fallen out without me noticing?" I look all over my room, but to no avail. So, I pack up my stuff for class and retrace my steps looking for a lost iPod laying in the grass. I fail to find it. I run back to my room, just to double check, and it's still no where to be found. I trace my steps AGAIN back to my car, check under my car, under my seats, etc and still cannot find it.

By this point, I figure that if I haven't found it, it's gone. A wave of depression hits me, much like the depression I felt when mine and Bill's cars were burglarized back in August. I handled it much better than I thought I would. I had been on a money spending streak for the past month (mainly for my recording studio: zlobstudios...coming soon), and now I had to add another iPod to my shopping list. All this after just upgrading to the 80GB iPod last month.

So, I chalk up the iPod as another expense, and blame myself for not making sure the iPod was secure enough in my pouch. I proceed to my English final, which I finish in about 15 minutes, and then walk to the student center to eat some food. I eat some good Chinese food while enjoying "The Colbert Report." My mind is finally off of the iPod and I begin moving on with life... after all, this isn't the first time I've lost something.

I come back to my room, and begin bitching to everyone I know that I lost my iPod. I try to get over it, but I work hard for my money, and don't like losing my shit. Everyone tells me it's OK, but really...it's not.

Around 5pm, I'm nearly over the iPod situation, and begin studying for my next final. I take a break from studying and lean back in my chair to take a deep breath. When leaning forward again, I catch a glimpse of something underneath the bed. I take a second look, and realize what I'm looking at. Stunned, I just stare at it, rather than trying to grab it. After about 10 seconds, I come to my senses and reach under, and grab what I've been looking for all afternoon, my treasured iPod, loaded with 30GB of music, all safe and sound in my room. A feeling of relief comes over me, and my day brightens again...