...and then life throws me for another loop...
Life is funny that way. One day things are great... the next changes everything. With every day, I find myself disconnecting from just about everyone and everything I know. It's not so much depression as it is a desire to just stand alone, be able to manage life effectively with minimal chance of getting tangled up with emotions. If you'd had the year that I've had, you'd know by now that your emotions will take hold of your throat and do its best to suffocate you, leaving you with nothing. This may be the darker side of emotion, but it's the side I know all too well...
This year, I've had problems with caring too much, and problems with not caring enough. I guess I view the balance of these is focusing all of my care on myself. This causes even more problems for those who don't think I care enough.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore, really. This is unlike anything I've felt before, really. Normally what I feel at these points in life is just an overpowering depression, but this time it just feels empty. Like there is nothing. Not even the feeling of despair. Just... existence.
I've made mistakes, plenty of them this year. I'm still sorting everything out, I think. It's been a long year, that's for sure. Despite it all, I'm still just looking forward to May 2010 (see: Graduation), above all else. Maybe that's my biggest problem... I put too much emphasis on myself, and ensuring that I'm ok, that I forget about the people and things that really do matter.
I simply just don't know, anymore. I don't know anything. It seems that my life is just... a book. I've gone through a number of chapters, and it's culminated to this...
What can I do?
I really wish that music could be described in words. The song 'American Beauty' by Thomas Newman just seems to make everything in life so clear... so easily understood... so calm...
blah.
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The Things We Fear Most
Today was an ordinary day. School, work, eventually I will sleep.
I've had something on my mind since about 5:15 today.
While walking out to my car to go to work, I noticed a neighbor of mine, Cameron, enjoying the great whether. You see, Cameron is not like most of us. He has muscular dystrophy which has crippled him to the extent that he can't do much except talk and push the joystick to his electric wheelchair. Cameron and I were once great friends. Despite his obvious limitations, there were times when he and I would play video games together, or get together on Monday nights to watch wrestling. As we grew up, we drifted apart. I was a teenager, I was living the typical teenage life. Cameron and I had lost contact and eventually Cameron had to leave school because of his health.
Today was different, however. I saw Cameron cruising up the street, enjoying the weather, and I left my house just in time to see him. He drove right past me, not noticing me until I said "Hey Cameron." He turned his wheelchair around and returned the greeting. Cameron and I had gone probably the better half of five years without speaking. This is surprising, considering we live less than 100 feet from each other. But when one person is wheelchair bound and not able to be outside year round, and the other person is living the life, going to college, working... there isn't much time in between in which moments like this take place.
So I stood there and chatted with him. I noticed how frail he had become, though he seemed to be in pretty good spirits. I don't talk to him about his health, because if I were him, that'd be the last thing I'd want to talk about. After I told him about my life and how things were going, we parted ways... Sounds like a typical encounter between two reunited friends, but this was different.
On my drive to work, I just kept thinking about the encounter. I was overwhelmed with a feeling I can't describe. Take guilt, for not remaining friend with Cameron throughout our teen years, add some depression, and maybe even some happiness and mix it with every emotion you've ever felt... That's how I felt.
I can say that I am very glad that Cameron is alive. I am depressed because Cameron is the strongest person I've ever met, and deserved better. Throughout the years that he and I were friends, I never once heard him complain about his health. NOT ONCE. You want to meet someone who has never taken life for granted? If there exists such a person, Cameron is that person.
I guess the whole point of this blog is to address a few things. We all take life for granted. Every single one of us. We go, day by day, we have friends, we can walk, we can laugh, we can learn, we can drink ourselves into oblivion, we can smoke ourselves to death. People go out and risk their lives drinking and driving, having unprotected sex, committing suicide. These are careless acts. For every person who ends up paralyzed from drinking and driving, there is someone who can't help that they're paralyzed. For every person who gets AIDS from unprotected sex, there's someone out there who's dying of cancer, and there is nothing they could've done to stop it. For everyone who commits suicide, there is someone in a wheelchair watching their life fade away. For everyone who carelessly lives their life, there are those people out there who wish they even had that chance...
Some people don't have it as good as we do, and we just take it all for granted. People complain because they are fat, or ugly, or have nappy hair or a big nose. Yeah, well...what if you couldn't fucking walk? Walking is a basic task that not everyone has the privilege of doing. Now, I'm no exception. I complain about things too. I don't like being overweight, or having stupid looking hair. I don't like that I don't have all the money in the world, or that I'm paying for my own schooling on said lack of funds. People live life like there's no tomorrow, and I appreciate that. Maybe we'd be better off knowing that there most likely WILL be a tomorrow for us, and not for everyone. What if you knew you only had so much time left on this earth? I'd bet you'd have done things a whole lot differently...
I know I would have...
I've had something on my mind since about 5:15 today.
While walking out to my car to go to work, I noticed a neighbor of mine, Cameron, enjoying the great whether. You see, Cameron is not like most of us. He has muscular dystrophy which has crippled him to the extent that he can't do much except talk and push the joystick to his electric wheelchair. Cameron and I were once great friends. Despite his obvious limitations, there were times when he and I would play video games together, or get together on Monday nights to watch wrestling. As we grew up, we drifted apart. I was a teenager, I was living the typical teenage life. Cameron and I had lost contact and eventually Cameron had to leave school because of his health.
Today was different, however. I saw Cameron cruising up the street, enjoying the weather, and I left my house just in time to see him. He drove right past me, not noticing me until I said "Hey Cameron." He turned his wheelchair around and returned the greeting. Cameron and I had gone probably the better half of five years without speaking. This is surprising, considering we live less than 100 feet from each other. But when one person is wheelchair bound and not able to be outside year round, and the other person is living the life, going to college, working... there isn't much time in between in which moments like this take place.
So I stood there and chatted with him. I noticed how frail he had become, though he seemed to be in pretty good spirits. I don't talk to him about his health, because if I were him, that'd be the last thing I'd want to talk about. After I told him about my life and how things were going, we parted ways... Sounds like a typical encounter between two reunited friends, but this was different.
On my drive to work, I just kept thinking about the encounter. I was overwhelmed with a feeling I can't describe. Take guilt, for not remaining friend with Cameron throughout our teen years, add some depression, and maybe even some happiness and mix it with every emotion you've ever felt... That's how I felt.
I can say that I am very glad that Cameron is alive. I am depressed because Cameron is the strongest person I've ever met, and deserved better. Throughout the years that he and I were friends, I never once heard him complain about his health. NOT ONCE. You want to meet someone who has never taken life for granted? If there exists such a person, Cameron is that person.
I guess the whole point of this blog is to address a few things. We all take life for granted. Every single one of us. We go, day by day, we have friends, we can walk, we can laugh, we can learn, we can drink ourselves into oblivion, we can smoke ourselves to death. People go out and risk their lives drinking and driving, having unprotected sex, committing suicide. These are careless acts. For every person who ends up paralyzed from drinking and driving, there is someone who can't help that they're paralyzed. For every person who gets AIDS from unprotected sex, there's someone out there who's dying of cancer, and there is nothing they could've done to stop it. For everyone who commits suicide, there is someone in a wheelchair watching their life fade away. For everyone who carelessly lives their life, there are those people out there who wish they even had that chance...
Some people don't have it as good as we do, and we just take it all for granted. People complain because they are fat, or ugly, or have nappy hair or a big nose. Yeah, well...what if you couldn't fucking walk? Walking is a basic task that not everyone has the privilege of doing. Now, I'm no exception. I complain about things too. I don't like being overweight, or having stupid looking hair. I don't like that I don't have all the money in the world, or that I'm paying for my own schooling on said lack of funds. People live life like there's no tomorrow, and I appreciate that. Maybe we'd be better off knowing that there most likely WILL be a tomorrow for us, and not for everyone. What if you knew you only had so much time left on this earth? I'd bet you'd have done things a whole lot differently...
I know I would have...
Friday, August 3, 2007
New Fish
Argh. It's amazing how one can have a great day and end on such a sour note. I'd rather not go into details, but I'm depressed right now. I think I may be more angry than depressed, but it's all kind of slopped together right now. Angry, Frustration, Confusion, Depression. I'm listening to some more calming music trying to settle down and get over it, but I think I really just need to sleep it off.
Ah well, I suppose reflecting on what happened is irrelevant, as tomorrow is a brand new day.
Fork.
Ah well, I suppose reflecting on what happened is irrelevant, as tomorrow is a brand new day.
Fork.
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