Struggle

3:23am, Tuesday July 8th, 2008. I'm not really sure why I decided to write this, I guess I've just got a lot racing through my head, and feel the need to write it down. Things have changed. A lot of things have changed. I'm not going to post these things publicly, and if you wish to know what's going on, you can ask me personally and if I trust you, I will share.

Lately (meaning the last month or so...) I've been getting feelings that I should quit school and focus on my music and audio production while working some shit full-time job. I've not had the urge to work on any programming lately, and I think that's why I'm getting these feelings. I would like to finish school, so that I can at least have some sort of decent job when I finally hit the real world. I guess I've just seen a couple friends get out on their own and just feel like I need some independence and struggle in my life to help me understand what life is about and kind of bring me off my high horse that I ride as a person.

I've been writing music lately. Since the demise of my first two bands, I have been in a severe writer's block for music, but this is seeming to subside as of late, and I'm really happy with some of the stuff I've got in the works. The band has a couple shows lined up, which I am really looking forward to. We'll be finally playing an All-Ages show in Dubuque for the first time in a year. It will go over well, hopefully.

I feel like I've got nothing to look forward to this summer. Last year I took the trip to Omaha with Kaylena, but this year I've got nothing. I'm hopefully heading to Chicago for the Wicker Park Fest in a couple weeks to see Isis, but we'll see if those plans actually happen.

Despite having drank a medium coffee beverage tonight, the caffeine is not affecting me tonight. Lately I've not been sleeping much, and have been getting through the days fairly well, while trying to make the most of every hour I'm awake.

My days are happy, but some of my nights I have felt empty and alone, like I've got no true friends in life. It's a really unfortunate feeling, but there isn't much I can do about it right now.

For the first time in my life, it feels like I've taken a backseat to myself, and have been letting my heart do the driving. I haven't thought a lot of things out very well and it's an interesting change of pace, watching the pieces fall into place without intervening with what my head is thinking.

To sum up this post... I am tired, I am in that tiredly-depressed state. I'm hoping it will all be better tomorrow, like it has been the past.