The Needle and the Damage Done.

Earlier tonight, I had begun the process of brainstorming through random ideas floating throughout my spacey head, and came to understand something that I had never really realized until tonight.

Some people show their respect and appreciation for someone by being there for them when they need someone, and saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time to cheer these people up. I don't think it's a secret that this is not one of my strong points. For whatever reason, I am not an emotional person when it comes to relating to others. I am a very logical and clear-headed thinker, especially when I am in a hard place.

I guess more than anything this is just a rant of frustration.

I sometimes wish I could be the one that everyone came to for advice, but it's just not something I am good at. I show my respect and appreciation for people by making them feel as comfortable as I possibly can when I am around them. This includes a variety of different actions on my part. What I'm really just tired of is people not reciprocating my appreciation.

The pinnacle of this realization is that I've come to find out that you can't force anyone to appreciate you. You may do whatever you're capable of doing to try and gain their appreciation, but until they choose to appreciate you. It may be that they already do appreciate you, and can't/won't show it, but it's just a bit upsetting when it seems like nothing you ever do for anyone is good enough, to the point where it pushes you over the edge and you can't take it anymore.

I once had severe anger issues, and other the years these have become less and less detrimental to my personal growth, but I still find myself in fits of frustration when I feel I'm being disrespected, unappreciated, unwanted, and like I'm the only one who is trying....

But,

What can you do?
What can I do?

Maybe I am too focused on myself, my goals, hopes, and dreams. Maybe my idea that everyone can set aside their issues and enjoy life along side me is far fetched and naive.

I don't know anymore.

There was a time in my life where I was sure where I'd be in five years, and those days are gone. I think it's mostly for the best; it has allowed my anger to take a back seat and allowed me to life my life one day at a time.

But I cannot let go...

Hunted By A Freak

I'm back. I don't even remember the last time I wrote. January, I believe. Why don't we recap what has gone down in the past two months.

I got the internship I was referring to in my last blog entry. The job is heaven. I get to sit at my own desk, in front of a computer, listening to Thomas Newman and Cult of Luna on my iPod, while getting paid to program. While this may sound boring to many, you must realize that I've been doing this for years and NOT getting paid for it, so I'm moving up in the world. I also submitted my resignation notice at Best Buy. It's crazy to think that I've been working there for four years. I was 17 then. That was two girlfriends ago. It was the first time I had long hair. It was before I knew what I was going to do with my life... It's flown by. My departure from Best Buy will be bittersweet. I will not, in any way, shape, or form, miss the stress that is working retail. I will, however, miss being able to work with a lot of friends I have made in the past four years. It's a shame the company doesn't take better care of their employees or I would definitely consider keeping myself employed there. Regardless... Good Riddence, Retail. Go fuck yourself.

bull dyke rodeo has taken off. We've play 3 shows in the past two weeks and have 2 more coming up in the next two weeks. All this at the same time that Werner decides that he may be leaving the band to pursue more serious musical endeavors in Chicago. I'm not sure what will come of bdr after his departure, but I wish him the best. Regardless, I'll be playing music, and I've got another project in the works as of right now with Bryce and Cory Rennison, of Dubuque. We're looking towards writing some more slow, sludgey, melodic post-rock. I'm excited to find the time to begin writing the songs.

More and more lately I've been thinking about graduation. I will graduate in about 14 months. What comes next? I have a pretty good feeling about the internship I'm currently at. I'm hoping I can at least stay there while I figure everything else out. I think I'm going to work there until next summer, save some money, apply to a ton of random jobs in random locations and just follow whatever one pops up first. I'm really looking forward to being totally independant for the first time in my life. I will be supporting myself without the help of my parents. I will have my own place to live where I can do whatever I want. It's not like I don't have these things now, but this is a milestone I've had set for myself for years, and it's going to come true in about a year. That is unless, of course, I get annihiliated by a drunk driver on a Saturday night. "Hey, It could happen" -Black Kid from Angel's in the Outfield.

I have really bad posture. I'm going to start working out soon so that I may regain the flexibility in my back and prevent further back pain from conquering my life.

I've been really getting accustomed to drinking beer lately. When I had tried it as a teenager, I thought it tasted like complete ass, but lately I have been enjoying its taste. I still limit myself to one or two over the course of the entire night, but I really have begun to enjoy its much different taste. Call me crazy. I guess I'm one of the last to jump on this bandwagon, seeing as how it took me until I was 4 months into my 21st year on this Earth before I began drinking. At least I'm not an alcoholic.

My overall quality of life has improved over the past year or so, I think. I've conquered a number of personal obstacles and I believe that I am now a much better person than I was last year. Still driving myself as hard as I can, but I'm now taking more time to try and enjoy life and I think it's working.

I'll leave you with these random thoughts:
I love hot sauce.
I got caught downloading Slumdog Millionaire by the MPAA last week.
I have really hard heels.
I bought two new guitar pedals this week.
I don't know when (or if) the new bdr album will ever see the light of day.

The Artifact and Living

Sometimes when I'm feeling unproductive, I try and force myself to do something. I've been writing music ever since I got home tonight, and I've, all of a sudden, got this urge to blog. So here goes...

The last month or two have gone by VERY quick, now that I look back upon them. It seems like this Winter is running at full speed. The days seem so short. The last couple weeks of school for this past semester had been hectic, but I survived, and managed to obtain a 3.18 GPA for the semester, which I'm pleased with. Since school has been out, my days have been consumed by music, work, and WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 (great game, BTW.)

This winter isn't the only time period that has been going by faster than I can believe. It's been all of 2008. It's been the past two and a half years since I began college. Time flies... 2008. What a year. Another story for another time.

I've come to realize that I'm really not one to live in the past, or even live for today; I live for what tomorrow may bring. I'm a goal setter. I keep my hopes and expectations very high for myself, and that I've realized this year that my "overachieving" nature is a huge characteristic of mine and how I view a lot of different things. I guess it's the fear of failure that keeps me on my toes and drives me to succeed. I can't help it, really. I need to be doing something productive (rather, something I view as being productive) or I get really irritated, agitated, and unpleasant. I'm working on changing this, but it's so hard. I've thought long and hard about how I've become this way, and have yet to come to a real solid conclusion. It's not like my parents weren't willing to fail, or let me fail. I guess the achievement of a goal just feeds my ego; it makes me feel like I've won... and who doesn't like to win?

It's just a character flaw. We've all got one. Our job is to learn to deal with it well enough so that it doesn't ruin our lives. Easy enough, I suppose.

I've been becoming a lot more open minded about people lately. I've been trying to be more sociable and interact more. I'm still working on the fine art of bullshitting. Maybe someday I'll get to that stage. Many of my friends are great at it; I'm not.

I've got an interview with a software company here in Dubuque coming up this week. It's an internship, and I'm really hoping I can get the position. I could really used the job experience, and it would be the hand reaching into the bottomless pit of retail and saving my sanity before it's too late. I've even cut my hair and will be shaving my beard so that I can maximize on this opportunity. Getting the job would help to bring me to the final stage of my college career. I can't wait to graduate.

But after graduation, what happens? Will I make it to Colorado with Courtney? Will I fulfill my old wish of heading to Seattle? Will I settle here in the midwest so that my mother will be able to babysit her grandchildren? For the first time ever, I can't decide what I want to do. Of course, I will be pursuing computer-related work until the end of time, but where? I suppose whatever opportunity shows its face first...

American Beauty

...and then life throws me for another loop...

Life is funny that way. One day things are great... the next changes everything. With every day, I find myself disconnecting from just about everyone and everything I know. It's not so much depression as it is a desire to just stand alone, be able to manage life effectively with minimal chance of getting tangled up with emotions. If you'd had the year that I've had, you'd know by now that your emotions will take hold of your throat and do its best to suffocate you, leaving you with nothing. This may be the darker side of emotion, but it's the side I know all too well...

This year, I've had problems with caring too much, and problems with not caring enough. I guess I view the balance of these is focusing all of my care on myself. This causes even more problems for those who don't think I care enough.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, really. This is unlike anything I've felt before, really. Normally what I feel at these points in life is just an overpowering depression, but this time it just feels empty. Like there is nothing. Not even the feeling of despair. Just... existence.

I've made mistakes, plenty of them this year. I'm still sorting everything out, I think. It's been a long year, that's for sure. Despite it all, I'm still just looking forward to May 2010 (see: Graduation), above all else. Maybe that's my biggest problem... I put too much emphasis on myself, and ensuring that I'm ok, that I forget about the people and things that really do matter.

I simply just don't know, anymore. I don't know anything. It seems that my life is just... a book. I've gone through a number of chapters, and it's culminated to this...

What can I do?

I really wish that music could be described in words. The song 'American Beauty' by Thomas Newman just seems to make everything in life so clear... so easily understood... so calm...

blah.

Coil

This too shall pass...

I've heard these words from two separate people in the past week, and I'm beginning to believe what they said. It certainly has been a week to remember. Some crucial decisions were made, and the cards are falling as they wish. I'm trying to play said cards the best I can, and I think I've handled it decently. I've all but lost two friends over the past week, which is unfortunate. I wish people understood what I was thinking, why my actions of the past week and half or so have been so out of character, but at this point in time, it's really not something I can explain using words. I hope to be able to explain this better at a later date, but until then, a select few and I are the only ones who have been able to understand.

For the first time in years, I am afraid of what the future brings. I'm second guessing what I want to do with my life, and for the past month or two, have been secretly desiring to live a simple life. I want a job where I can go home at the end of the day and not have to worry about what I left at work. I haven't felt that feeling in 3 years, and if I stay on my (current) chosen career path, I'll be looking forward to it for the rest of my life. I've finished two years toward my degree, I am half done. I can finish in two more years. The money is great. The job placement rate is high. I just don't know if it's what I want anymore. Lately it seems like I'd much rather work as a musician, or quit Computers and become something interesting, like a Chef.

Or maybe I'll just bitch out... make a lot of money, and try to buy happiness the rest of my life. We'll see what happens.

Struggle

3:23am, Tuesday July 8th, 2008. I'm not really sure why I decided to write this, I guess I've just got a lot racing through my head, and feel the need to write it down. Things have changed. A lot of things have changed. I'm not going to post these things publicly, and if you wish to know what's going on, you can ask me personally and if I trust you, I will share.

Lately (meaning the last month or so...) I've been getting feelings that I should quit school and focus on my music and audio production while working some shit full-time job. I've not had the urge to work on any programming lately, and I think that's why I'm getting these feelings. I would like to finish school, so that I can at least have some sort of decent job when I finally hit the real world. I guess I've just seen a couple friends get out on their own and just feel like I need some independence and struggle in my life to help me understand what life is about and kind of bring me off my high horse that I ride as a person.

I've been writing music lately. Since the demise of my first two bands, I have been in a severe writer's block for music, but this is seeming to subside as of late, and I'm really happy with some of the stuff I've got in the works. The band has a couple shows lined up, which I am really looking forward to. We'll be finally playing an All-Ages show in Dubuque for the first time in a year. It will go over well, hopefully.

I feel like I've got nothing to look forward to this summer. Last year I took the trip to Omaha with Kaylena, but this year I've got nothing. I'm hopefully heading to Chicago for the Wicker Park Fest in a couple weeks to see Isis, but we'll see if those plans actually happen.

Despite having drank a medium coffee beverage tonight, the caffeine is not affecting me tonight. Lately I've not been sleeping much, and have been getting through the days fairly well, while trying to make the most of every hour I'm awake.

My days are happy, but some of my nights I have felt empty and alone, like I've got no true friends in life. It's a really unfortunate feeling, but there isn't much I can do about it right now.

For the first time in my life, it feels like I've taken a backseat to myself, and have been letting my heart do the driving. I haven't thought a lot of things out very well and it's an interesting change of pace, watching the pieces fall into place without intervening with what my head is thinking.

To sum up this post... I am tired, I am in that tiredly-depressed state. I'm hoping it will all be better tomorrow, like it has been the past.

Lifeline

I'm here. But I'm not. Lately I've been feeling like I don't know who I am, who I'm around, where I'm at. I feel disconnected and I sometimes forget who I am.

It gets scary sometimes...

School's out, and I'm depressed... such is life...