...and then life throws me for another loop...
Life is funny that way. One day things are great... the next changes everything. With every day, I find myself disconnecting from just about everyone and everything I know. It's not so much depression as it is a desire to just stand alone, be able to manage life effectively with minimal chance of getting tangled up with emotions. If you'd had the year that I've had, you'd know by now that your emotions will take hold of your throat and do its best to suffocate you, leaving you with nothing. This may be the darker side of emotion, but it's the side I know all too well...
This year, I've had problems with caring too much, and problems with not caring enough. I guess I view the balance of these is focusing all of my care on myself. This causes even more problems for those who don't think I care enough.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore, really. This is unlike anything I've felt before, really. Normally what I feel at these points in life is just an overpowering depression, but this time it just feels empty. Like there is nothing. Not even the feeling of despair. Just... existence.
I've made mistakes, plenty of them this year. I'm still sorting everything out, I think. It's been a long year, that's for sure. Despite it all, I'm still just looking forward to May 2010 (see: Graduation), above all else. Maybe that's my biggest problem... I put too much emphasis on myself, and ensuring that I'm ok, that I forget about the people and things that really do matter.
I simply just don't know, anymore. I don't know anything. It seems that my life is just... a book. I've gone through a number of chapters, and it's culminated to this...
What can I do?
I really wish that music could be described in words. The song 'American Beauty' by Thomas Newman just seems to make everything in life so clear... so easily understood... so calm...
blah.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Coil
This too shall pass...
I've heard these words from two separate people in the past week, and I'm beginning to believe what they said. It certainly has been a week to remember. Some crucial decisions were made, and the cards are falling as they wish. I'm trying to play said cards the best I can, and I think I've handled it decently. I've all but lost two friends over the past week, which is unfortunate. I wish people understood what I was thinking, why my actions of the past week and half or so have been so out of character, but at this point in time, it's really not something I can explain using words. I hope to be able to explain this better at a later date, but until then, a select few and I are the only ones who have been able to understand.
For the first time in years, I am afraid of what the future brings. I'm second guessing what I want to do with my life, and for the past month or two, have been secretly desiring to live a simple life. I want a job where I can go home at the end of the day and not have to worry about what I left at work. I haven't felt that feeling in 3 years, and if I stay on my (current) chosen career path, I'll be looking forward to it for the rest of my life. I've finished two years toward my degree, I am half done. I can finish in two more years. The money is great. The job placement rate is high. I just don't know if it's what I want anymore. Lately it seems like I'd much rather work as a musician, or quit Computers and become something interesting, like a Chef.
Or maybe I'll just bitch out... make a lot of money, and try to buy happiness the rest of my life. We'll see what happens.
I've heard these words from two separate people in the past week, and I'm beginning to believe what they said. It certainly has been a week to remember. Some crucial decisions were made, and the cards are falling as they wish. I'm trying to play said cards the best I can, and I think I've handled it decently. I've all but lost two friends over the past week, which is unfortunate. I wish people understood what I was thinking, why my actions of the past week and half or so have been so out of character, but at this point in time, it's really not something I can explain using words. I hope to be able to explain this better at a later date, but until then, a select few and I are the only ones who have been able to understand.
For the first time in years, I am afraid of what the future brings. I'm second guessing what I want to do with my life, and for the past month or two, have been secretly desiring to live a simple life. I want a job where I can go home at the end of the day and not have to worry about what I left at work. I haven't felt that feeling in 3 years, and if I stay on my (current) chosen career path, I'll be looking forward to it for the rest of my life. I've finished two years toward my degree, I am half done. I can finish in two more years. The money is great. The job placement rate is high. I just don't know if it's what I want anymore. Lately it seems like I'd much rather work as a musician, or quit Computers and become something interesting, like a Chef.
Or maybe I'll just bitch out... make a lot of money, and try to buy happiness the rest of my life. We'll see what happens.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Struggle
3:23am, Tuesday July 8th, 2008. I'm not really sure why I decided to write this, I guess I've just got a lot racing through my head, and feel the need to write it down. Things have changed. A lot of things have changed. I'm not going to post these things publicly, and if you wish to know what's going on, you can ask me personally and if I trust you, I will share.
Lately (meaning the last month or so...) I've been getting feelings that I should quit school and focus on my music and audio production while working some shit full-time job. I've not had the urge to work on any programming lately, and I think that's why I'm getting these feelings. I would like to finish school, so that I can at least have some sort of decent job when I finally hit the real world. I guess I've just seen a couple friends get out on their own and just feel like I need some independence and struggle in my life to help me understand what life is about and kind of bring me off my high horse that I ride as a person.
I've been writing music lately. Since the demise of my first two bands, I have been in a severe writer's block for music, but this is seeming to subside as of late, and I'm really happy with some of the stuff I've got in the works. The band has a couple shows lined up, which I am really looking forward to. We'll be finally playing an All-Ages show in Dubuque for the first time in a year. It will go over well, hopefully.
I feel like I've got nothing to look forward to this summer. Last year I took the trip to Omaha with Kaylena, but this year I've got nothing. I'm hopefully heading to Chicago for the Wicker Park Fest in a couple weeks to see Isis, but we'll see if those plans actually happen.
Despite having drank a medium coffee beverage tonight, the caffeine is not affecting me tonight. Lately I've not been sleeping much, and have been getting through the days fairly well, while trying to make the most of every hour I'm awake.
My days are happy, but some of my nights I have felt empty and alone, like I've got no true friends in life. It's a really unfortunate feeling, but there isn't much I can do about it right now.
For the first time in my life, it feels like I've taken a backseat to myself, and have been letting my heart do the driving. I haven't thought a lot of things out very well and it's an interesting change of pace, watching the pieces fall into place without intervening with what my head is thinking.
To sum up this post... I am tired, I am in that tiredly-depressed state. I'm hoping it will all be better tomorrow, like it has been the past.
Lately (meaning the last month or so...) I've been getting feelings that I should quit school and focus on my music and audio production while working some shit full-time job. I've not had the urge to work on any programming lately, and I think that's why I'm getting these feelings. I would like to finish school, so that I can at least have some sort of decent job when I finally hit the real world. I guess I've just seen a couple friends get out on their own and just feel like I need some independence and struggle in my life to help me understand what life is about and kind of bring me off my high horse that I ride as a person.
I've been writing music lately. Since the demise of my first two bands, I have been in a severe writer's block for music, but this is seeming to subside as of late, and I'm really happy with some of the stuff I've got in the works. The band has a couple shows lined up, which I am really looking forward to. We'll be finally playing an All-Ages show in Dubuque for the first time in a year. It will go over well, hopefully.
I feel like I've got nothing to look forward to this summer. Last year I took the trip to Omaha with Kaylena, but this year I've got nothing. I'm hopefully heading to Chicago for the Wicker Park Fest in a couple weeks to see Isis, but we'll see if those plans actually happen.
Despite having drank a medium coffee beverage tonight, the caffeine is not affecting me tonight. Lately I've not been sleeping much, and have been getting through the days fairly well, while trying to make the most of every hour I'm awake.
My days are happy, but some of my nights I have felt empty and alone, like I've got no true friends in life. It's a really unfortunate feeling, but there isn't much I can do about it right now.
For the first time in my life, it feels like I've taken a backseat to myself, and have been letting my heart do the driving. I haven't thought a lot of things out very well and it's an interesting change of pace, watching the pieces fall into place without intervening with what my head is thinking.
To sum up this post... I am tired, I am in that tiredly-depressed state. I'm hoping it will all be better tomorrow, like it has been the past.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Lifeline
I'm here. But I'm not. Lately I've been feeling like I don't know who I am, who I'm around, where I'm at. I feel disconnected and I sometimes forget who I am.
It gets scary sometimes...
School's out, and I'm depressed... such is life...
It gets scary sometimes...
School's out, and I'm depressed... such is life...
Friday, May 9, 2008
Loss
I'm back. After a 7 month hiatus (almost as long as the band's hiatus), I am renewing this blog. I'm just really bored right now. Today is the last full day of classes of the semester, and I'm really looking forward to school being out. It's been 365 days (counting leap day) since I began this blog. Crazy. The past 7 months of my life have panned out as follows:
September through December (1st Semester) was filled with school and work, per usual. The band (http://www.myspace.com/bulldykerodeo) endured some trouble and eventually went on indefinite hiatus. School went well, decent GPA, met some people, you know, the usual shit.
December through today (2nd Semester) has been going great. My grades are great, I'm looking at possibly making Dean's List. Lot's of schoolwork. COBOL is a joke language, by the way, and my Software Engineering project took away over 50 hours of April from my existance. I'm kicking Calc II's ass, and Speech is easy. Deutsch ist auch gut.
I began playing with a new band with Loney, Bryce, and Tyler, which is tentatively named "The Escape Sequence". It's more post-rocky than BDR's stoner post-doom, and I dig it, though the last couple weeks I've been so busy with school work that I haven't had time to play much.
I'm presenting my SE project today, in about an Hour. That should go over well, hopefully. I've got 3 finals next week, all of which should be easy enough. I failed at scoring an internship for the summer, because I waited too long to apply, but hopefully will score one next year. Until then, I'm stuck at Best Buy.
I've been reading a lot lately. I've been trying to improve my life by eliminating the stress and anger in it, and it's been working splendidly. I've, as always, been reading a bunch of technical documentation, and am in the process of conceiving an idea for a Summer software development project. Haven't finalized anything, but am working on it.
Alright, that's all I've got now. I'm going to try and update this more, but it's not like anyone reads this shit.
--Cody
September through December (1st Semester) was filled with school and work, per usual. The band (http://www.myspace.com/bulldykerodeo) endured some trouble and eventually went on indefinite hiatus. School went well, decent GPA, met some people, you know, the usual shit.
December through today (2nd Semester) has been going great. My grades are great, I'm looking at possibly making Dean's List. Lot's of schoolwork. COBOL is a joke language, by the way, and my Software Engineering project took away over 50 hours of April from my existance. I'm kicking Calc II's ass, and Speech is easy. Deutsch ist auch gut.
I began playing with a new band with Loney, Bryce, and Tyler, which is tentatively named "The Escape Sequence". It's more post-rocky than BDR's stoner post-doom, and I dig it, though the last couple weeks I've been so busy with school work that I haven't had time to play much.
I'm presenting my SE project today, in about an Hour. That should go over well, hopefully. I've got 3 finals next week, all of which should be easy enough. I failed at scoring an internship for the summer, because I waited too long to apply, but hopefully will score one next year. Until then, I'm stuck at Best Buy.
I've been reading a lot lately. I've been trying to improve my life by eliminating the stress and anger in it, and it's been working splendidly. I've, as always, been reading a bunch of technical documentation, and am in the process of conceiving an idea for a Summer software development project. Haven't finalized anything, but am working on it.
Alright, that's all I've got now. I'm going to try and update this more, but it's not like anyone reads this shit.
--Cody
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